Palm trees & the wreckage

"Let's just be honest here. Time and time again in your life you're going to feel as if God isn't showing up. You're going to feel as if God isn't healing, he isn't restoring, he isn't releasing his mighty power.

These moments are crucial moments in your relationship with him. These moments are crucial because God is trying to get you to the place where you can't handle things on your own, where you are willing to surrender your plans in order to receive his. He's trying to mature your faith.

In moments like that, will you continue to choose to believe that he is who he says he is?"
-Pete Wilson, Plan B

When I read the last post on here that Tim wrote, I told him I thought he was painting a rather rosy picture of how we were doing. I told him, "Right now things feel much more bitter than sweet." He said, "I know. The sweet part will come, though."

And he was right. Little by little by little, things are becoming less bitter and a little bit of sweetness is creeping in.

I've heard people say, "God won't give us more than we can handle." I believe that just about as much as I believe in unicorns. It's a load of crap. Because here's the thing: if God only gave us what we could handle, what would we need Him for? God has given me much more then I could ever handle on my own on more than one occasion, and I doubt this will be the last. When we're pushed to the edge of all that we know, all that our hearts can handle, when everything seems to fall apart... that's the best possible place to be because we realize our desperate need for a Savior and the only place to go is straight into the hand of God. And that is the safest place to be, after all.

So maybe a more accurate phrase would be that God won't give us more than we can handle with His strength. I'll buy that.

Because if there's anything this experience has taught me, it is not that we are strong. It's that we are weak and in desperate need of a strong Savior. I am so weak, and broken, and I worry, and I don't depend on God like I should. And if you've ever been driven to that kind of desperation too, the kind where the only prayer you can muster is, "Please God, no," over and over again, then you know how precious it is to depend on the strength of God.

So here we are, nearly two weeks later, still standing. Not by our own strength, though. Every day life becomes a little less bitter and a little bit more sweet. And every day brings us one day closer to the baby who really is meant to be ours.

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We found out our adoption failed late in the afternoon on Tuesday. At 9:00pm Tuesday night, we got on Priceline to buy tickets to somewhere, anywhere. Ten hours and $800 later, we were boarding a flight to Phoenix to visit Tim's sister, our brother-in-law, and niece. Five days of sunny 70 degree weather was just what we needed.

The sun was rising as we flew out of KCI. There's nothing like seeing a sunrise from an airplane! We had a layover in Los Angeles (thank you Priceline) so we flew over the Rocky Mountains.

We landed in Phoenix, and it felt like we had left a huge weight behind. And oh, the palm trees! 

Thank you to James, Julie, and Sophie for letting us crash at your place with less than 24 hours notice. You were amazing hosts and truly helped take our minds off what we had left behind. And you fed us well, that's for sure.

And little miss Sophie Grace helped an awful lot, too.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed and texted and called and emailed. In her book Bittersweet (perfect, huh?), Shauna Niequist says, "I believe deeply that God does his best work in our lives during times of great heartbreak and loss, and I believe that much of that rich work is done by the hands of people who love us, who dive into the wreckage with us and show us who God is, over and over and over."

If you're one of those people who dove into the wreckage with us, thank you. I was in desperate need of people to remind me of who God is, over and over and over again, when I could hardly bear to believe it myself anymore. We are immensely grateful to have those kinds of people in our life.

And for those of you who have asked us, "What next?" Well, we've gone right back on that waiting list. We're working with some amazing adoption professionals, and have high hopes that our baby isn't too far around the corner.  Basically we're right back where we were six weeks ago... waiting!