adoption story [part 4]

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and put their trust in the Lord.

PSALM 40:1-3

This story is our new song. 

I write these things so that you will see what the Lord has done. 

We decided to meet at a local restaurant on (ironically) Father's Day. Since they had told Irene they wanted to meet us, we had exchanged emails and phone numbers and began emailing each other. Tim and I were able to share our heart for an open adoption, and they told us they had been praying to find a good Christian family who would love and raise their precious baby girl. It was extremely clear this baby was greatly loved and wanted. They had decided to make an adoption plan because it was in the baby's best interest, despite how painful it was for them.

I am and will always be amazed at the sacrifice that birth parents make for their babies when making an adoption plan. It is a profound loss, and deeply painful. They do it out of a great love for their children, despite how difficult it is for them. And that is the very definition of a great parent, right? We do what's best for our kids even when it's hard.

You might think meeting a stranger at a restaurant over these circumstances would be awkward, and on one hand you would be right! On the other hand, it felt very natural. We grabbed a booth in the back, ordered our food, and spent some time getting to know each other. 

Tim and I went into this meeting with no assumptions and no expectations that this would actually result in a baby. She was not due for over three months, and a lot can change in three months. Additionally, they might meet us and decide we weren't the right family for them. It was completely their decision, as it should be. 

The door had opened, so we walked through it. That's often how adoption works.

By the time dinner was over, they had asked us what we needed to do next to continue with an adoption match. Wait, what? Are they saying they choose us? 

They had. They had chosen us to love, care for, and raise their precious baby girl!

They later told us that as soon as we got out of the car at the restaurant, they knew. They knew in their heart, that's them. They're it. Praise God!

Because we had met in a rather unconventional way (through a personal connection rather than being matched through an agency), we had two options: work with one of our agencies as a "pre-identified" match, or choose a private adoption where no agency is involved. Because we were all receiving the appropriate counseling already, we mutually agreed that agency involvement was simply not necessary. 

There are many details about Norah's adoption that clearly demonstrated God's hand at work, and this was one of them. Here's the thing: adoption is expensive. Tim and I were fully expecting, prepared, and willing to pay for an agency adoption, which can cost anywhere from $15,000-30,000. In a private adoption there is no agency fee, which makes up the great majority of that expense. Our adoption expenses decreased significantly with the decision to do a private adoption. Make no mistake, we would have paid that amount ten times over if it meant Norah would be our daughter again! Money is no issue when you are talking about a child. However, this was an unexpected blessing that demonstrated God's faithfulness to provide.

We were so excited to become parents to a baby girl! She was due in late September, and it was mid June. While we were excited, we were also fearful. Past experience had demonstrated to us that there are no guarantees in adoption, and that sometimes (or in our case so far, always) things don't work out like you hoped. We knew the next three months would be hard. We were in that place yet again of waiting, cautiously expecting, and hoping. Just like with our second match, we decided to keep things quiet until the baby was here. We told a few close friends and eventually our supervisors at work, but otherwise we didn't tell a soul! We didn't even tell our families! 

A lot of people have said, "I can't believe you were able to keep it a secret for so long!" It was actually very easy. 

You see, we were terrified.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand. We were excited, happy, and immensely grateful. The thought of having a little girl made us giddy with excitement! At the very same time, we were battling fear and grief that did not belong in our hearts. For example, I was excited to buy baby girl clothes but paralyzed by the thought that as soon as you buy something for her, it will fall through. Our hearts can be ugly, and fearful thoughts can be intrusive. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: grief is like an ocean. Sometimes the water is calm and peaceful. Other times a tall wave will come from seemingly nowhere, and before you know it you will be head over heels, inhaling salt water, with not a clue which way is up. 

On one of the tall wave kind of days, I was feeling particularly angry at how things had happened so far. I angrily prayed to God, "I just wish I could know for sure! If I KNEW for sure if this little girl will actually be our daughter or not, I could make it through these next few months!"

Not even a second after I thought those words, God spoke to my heart and said, I'm asking you to walk by faith, not by sight. You don't know how things will turn out, and that's the point. If you knew, why would you need me?

So we walked through the next three months by faith. We failed a lot. We would stumble, and worry, and fear, and cry, then repent and get back up again and keep walking. We didn't know with certainty that this little girl was meant to be our daughter, but we knew that God had asked us to walk out those next three months with this family we had grown to deeply love, so we did. 

That was our summer.

 

 

In November of 2011 we had a phone conference with Susan, who became our adoption consultant. She told us that when it comes to starting the adoption process, some couples feel an unexplainable sense of urgency, like their child is out there somewhere and they need to rush to begin. "Usually they're right," she told us. We didn't feel that urgency yet, and took our time completing our home study paperwork. During the last week of December, I suddenly felt like we needed to get our paperwork done, and done NOW! Also at that time I suddenly felt strongly to begin praying specifically for our future son or daughter and the incredible woman who would be carrying them. I began praying for them both, for their protection and safety. 

Over the summer we were given one of Norah's ultrasound photos, the one where they found out she was a girl! I looked at those photos, searching for her face, for some sign that this was it, she was our daughter. I noticed the dates on the ultrasound, one indicating her due date, and the date she presumably was conceived. 

It was the last week of December.

The very week that I felt that sense of urgency, our daughter first existed.