What openness in adoption means to me.

Every now and then someone will ask us, "Do you ever see their parents?" And I'll say, "Well good golly, I see myself in the mirror every day!" Buuut not really. I know they are referring to their birth parents, so I'll actually say, "Yes! We text and email, and get together regularly! Just like any other family." And I get it, when they look surprised. That's not the way things used to be, and it's not the way things were done even just one generation ago (although that is a good thing). Open adoption sounds a little scary to some people. I get it.

Before we even began our adoption process, I followed several blogs written by adoptive parents. Two of them in particular had very open adoptions and I loved reading about their families. It helped open my eyes to how wonderful and positive open adoption can be, and I wanted something like that! In early 2012 we were "matched" with an expectant mama who wanted a semi-open adoption - she did not want to know our last name, where we lived, and did not want to see us again unless the baby was older and asked to do so.

Then we met for the first time.

She told us, "I don't want to be an intrusion on your lives." We said,

"You will never be an intrusion on our lives. We want to know you, in whatever capacity you are comfortable with."

She was still confident that she only wanted to know basic information about us, and to only communicate going forward with a dedicated email address. We soaked up every minute we had together, wanting to remember every detail of these amazing people we had fallen in love with. In the end, she decided to parent her son. Today, we have reconnected via Facebook and she is an amazing mother and a brave, strong woman.

Today we have two beautiful children born from two absolutely beautiful women - their birth mothers. How can I not love this person like crazy? Two open adoptions, two birth families, and two unique relationships. We email, text often, Facebook, and regularly get together. We live across town from each other, but still no more than a thirty minute drive. We have been to their houses. They have been to ours, and sat on our couch and stayed late and joined us for dinner at our dining room table.

They are our good friends, and they are our family.

The thing about open adoption is this: our children (and your children, if you have adopted) come from a family of origin. They were adopted into our family, their forever family. These two realities coexist together - it is not an either/or situation, but a both/and situation. I love my children fiercely, and because I love them, I love all of them - and this includes where they came from. We hope to raise our kids to not feel like they have to choose, to feel whole, and to have access to the full picture of their identity. We want our daughter to know that she wrinkles her nose like her birth mom, and our son to know that his blue eyes match his birth grandma's. One day when they have hard questions about their birth, and about why adoption was chosen for them - I want them to have access to the source, to the person who loves them so much that she made that difficult decision.

I want them to not have to wonder, "Did my birth mom love me?" because what do you know! they just saw their birth mom last month and she gave them a big hug and told them that she loves them, in person!

Open adoption has blessed me so much.

I'm aware that our situation might be a bit unique. Even at its very best, just like any other relationship, it takes work. Sometimes there's conflict. It isn't co-parenting, and there are boundaries - just like any other relationship. Your situation may involve addiction, or violence, or criminal activity, and less openness might be the very best thing for your child and family in that case. In those situations, something that I have found helpful is to imagine the same situation but with a different individual - for example, let's say that it's your cousin who is known to be using drugs. Would you completely cut off this relationship? Would you establish clear boundaries - like, they cannot come around while they are currently using - and do what you can to communicate in other healthy ways?

The fact is (and studies have confirmed) that some degree of openness is best for the most important person involved in this scenario - the child! Like I said before, our love for our children is fierce, isn't it? Because of that, I can work through some of my own fears, insecurities, and discomfort if needed.

There's no such thing as too many people to love a child. This is what openness in adoption means to me.

and then there were four [an adoption story]

He's eight months old now, but better late than never, right? Time flies when you're having fun!

In all honesty, this is more difficult than I imagined it would be. I wrote Norah's adoption story on here three and a half years ago. A lot has changed since then. Some of my thoughts on adoption have changed. I've changed how (and if) I share specifics of our children's stories. These stories belong to them. Nothing makes you realize that this is not about me like standing outside the hospital, weeping and holding your brand new son's birth mom, the mother who had just given him life. 

I rocked this eight month old to sleep tonight, and I told him again: "She loves you so much." It is sacred. This is not about me. 

But if I'm going to tell a little bit of this story, it actually starts years ago with a house.

After we had been married for one year, we bought our first home. A townhouse that was perfect for our stage of life. Fast forward a handful of years... not so much. Two bedrooms, no basement, no storage, one small living area, and a baby. We knew that when the time came to adopt again, we would ideally need to move first. We put our house on the market in the Spring of 2013 where it stayed for a long, long time. 

Actually, it did sell once! After four months under contract the buyer's lending fell through. By that time we were ready to begin adoption #2, but really really really wanted to wait until after our home sold and we moved to a bigger place. In the Fall of 2014, we changed our plans and began the process to update our home study, still in the townhome. We had no idea when (or if) it would sell, and decided not to put our adoption plans on hold any longer.

That month our townhome sold, ending (yet another) long season of waiting. 

In an unexpected turn of events, our previous buyer whose lending fell through had been approved! We emailed our social worker and said, "Uhhh about that home study update? We need to postpone!" 

We moved in January and after taking a few months to get settled, we jumped back in and completed our home study update. It was finished and approved at the beginning of April.

For our first adoption in 2012, we worked briefly with a local agency before meeting our now daughter's birth family. We loved them, but weren't planning to contact them yet about wanting to adopt again, simply because they had a higher activation fee. Our plan was to wait and see, but on a whim we scrapped that idea and sent the social worker an email and began the process of getting them our home study and profile book. During all this, she emailed me and said she actually had an expectant mom to show our profile to... like, soon. 

I was in the middle of planning a huge garage sale fundraiser with a friend who was also adopting, and it was keeping me super busy. When the social worker emailed to let us know she had narrowed it down to us and another family, we were surprised. The ink on our home study had barely dried, and we could be matched already?! Surely not. The following week the phone call came: "She chose you!" What else can I say? The depth of that privilege isn't lost on me.

Baby wasn't due for about four more months, and God gave me such a profound sense of peace during that time. We knew from experience that a match is not a guarantee of placement - which it shouldn't be. There are real people with real and complex emotions involved. God brought to mind early on the verse in 1 John that says perfect love casts out all fear. I knew without a doubt that she would be (and will be again one day) a wonderful mom, and if she ultimately decided to parent, I would tell her you're going to be amazing and absolutely mean it. 

He decided to make his debut an entire two weeks early, and the very first time I laid eyes on him was when his mom texted me this photo:

Hello there, perfection! Squished nose and all. Turns out that the fierce love you feel for your first child really does grow in size, and this little guy still has me wrapped around his finger. 

The next day they were discharged. Again, sacred. This was the second time I had the privilege of touching and feeling the sacrificial sort of love that a mother has for her child. 

This is really just our brief part of the story, and it isn't the only side - but it's the only side that is mine to share. I continue to be in awe of God's faithfulness to us all. When we decided to move and sell our townhome, I didn't think that it would take a year and a half. When we decided to adopt again, I didn't think it would take only four months. God continues to surprise me with the way his plans are always perfect and good for us. He is a good Father, and his plans for us so far have included both joy and heartbreak, and lots and lots of waiting... and waiting... and in all of those things, both the good and the bad, his ways have been perfect.