adoption story [part 1]

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and put their trust in the Lord.

PSALM 40:1-3

This story is our new song. 

I write these things so that you will see what the Lord has done.

JANUARY 7TH, 2012 
"I just have a feeling it's going to be quick," Dawn told us, smiling. She was there conducting our home study visit, and things were finally feeling real.

"I actually have a birth mom due sometime in February, so I might be able to rush this so you can be shown!" We laughed. February? Next month? No thanks, we told her. We're ready, but not that ready!

One week and a change of heart later, I was scrambling to finish our profile book so we could be shown to this brave young woman who was choosing an adoption plan for her baby boy due in February. Our books weren't going to arrive in time, so I made a PDF.

It probably won't make much of an impact, not being an actual hard copy, we were told. Don't get your hopes up, Dawn said. We figured if it was meant to be our baby, she would choose us regardless.

I knew they were meeting at 11am, so I kept my phone handy at work just in case there was a problem opening our PDF. At 11:45, my phone rang. It was J, the birth parent advocate. That's weird, I thought. I answered the phone, and J quickly says, "Stacey, there's someone here who wants to talk to you."

What? I hear muffled noise on the line as the phone is handed over.

A girl's voice comes on the phone, and says, "Hi, Stacey? This is E. My mom and I were just looking at your book, and... I want you and Tim to adopt my baby."

She cries, and my legs nearly give out.

The next 3 1/2 weeks were a blur. We were so happy. We couldn't believe how things were working out - we began the process in December, had our home study in January, baby in February?! Talk about a whirlwind adoption! We painted the nursery, set up the crib, and as our close friends and family found out, the gifts began pouring in.
 
The whole time we were careful to remind people, it's not over until it's over. This was not our baby yet. This was not a guarantee. It was the possibility of a placement. Yes, we were excited, but cautiously. There were no red flags. We met and absolutely fell in love with E and her boyfriend, D.

They were, and are, amazing.

We knew it was a possibility, but of course we hoped and prayed it would not happen.

We made a decision. We made the decision to be all in, to enjoy the moments we did have, and to trust in the decision that this couple had made for their son. On February 13th when we got the call that she was in labor, we dragged ourselves out of bed just after midnight and drove to the hospital. We sat in the waiting room for hours, as E's mom ran back and forth hugging us and excitedly giving us updates. We met the baby minutes after he was born. He looked just like his father, who graciously handed him over to Tim to hold for the very first time. I fed him his first bottle in the nursery. Later on we hung out with E and D in their room, laughing and just enjoying spending time together.

That night, Tim and I sat across each other at dinner and said, "You know, I really think we can stop worrying. This is going to happen."

The next morning, my already broken heart felt like it shattered into a million tiny pieces. 
 
FEBRUARY 14TH, 2012
"Stacey... well, this is not a phone call I want to make."

When our social worker called me to tell me that our adoption was failing, I was waiting at a stoplight across the street from the hospital. I was on my way to see the little boy who I thought was my son. The little boy who had been born at 4:43am the previous day, weighing in at 7 pounds 7 ounces, 20 1/2 inches long. It was February 14th, it was Valentine's Day, and when I woke up that morning I was a mother. 

Or at least I had thought I was.

That day, I was broken. I physically hurt. My husband and I crawled into bed, pulled the curtains, and I cried until my chest and my eyeballs ached. 

Where do we go from here? When the bottom falls out, what do we do? 

We got online that night and bought plane tickets for Phoenix departing first thing the next morning. Late that night while we were packing, my husband said to me, "We should send some things over to the hospital. She wasn't planning on bringing that baby home. We have so much."

So we grabbed a gift bag that was still laying around from a recent baby shower, a baby shower for the baby we didn't have, and tossed things in. A pack of newborn diapers. The baby blanket I made, thinking I would use it to wrap up our newborn son. The elephant sleeper that I had bought online, way before we had even been matched, that I had planned to dress him in at the hospital. Maybe a few other things, I can't remember. I did so grudgingly. 

"These are our things," I told Tim, through tears. 

"No, they're his. We got them for him. Now we're giving them to him," he said.

We packed up those things, arranged for them to be picked up and taken to the hospital while we were gone, and then we closed the nursery door. 

And we left.